i can't find the words

I had nothing better to do; I went for a walk.

The car, the parking garage, the ice cream shoppe, the dorms, the bridge, the fountain, the roof, the street — I hit most of the usual attractions. Then back again.

At the fountain, it struck me — no matter how long I sat there, vanilla milkshake resting between my shoes, no one would ever sit down beside me and ask How’s it going? No one.

No one no one no one.

No one will reply to my e-mail so we can hang out again, despite how well we’ve hit it off. No one will kiss me hard without using her tongue. No one will make plans to spend the night with me in this lonely apartment. No one will tell me her cell phone number. No one will fuck me in the stacks. No one will follow up on plans to have one good conversation. No one will eat ice cream with me on a cloudy breezy desert afternoon. No one will let me give her a massage, even though I’ve found her back strangely attractive for a year. No one will take me seriously and stop by my room. No one will cuddle with me, just because she thinks she’s carrying a torch. No one will call me when she’s drunk. No one will give me lousy head in the backseat of my car on my birthday.

No one will love me, and no one will care.

I was sweating when I got back to my desk. Sweating from the heat and for a better reason. Sweating and exhausted and now I’m ogling the void of a bed I can’t sleep in.

The school year ended much like it began.

In reverse, though. Instead of being one of the first to the Brodhead in August, I was the last out in May. Instead of helping Tracie move in and assemble a loft, there was dismantling and moving off-campus. Instead of waiting anxiously for hallmates to arrive, I was saddened with each one’s departure. Instead of arriving to a sparkling residence hall, I cringed when I thought about how much work the OneSource workers would have to do to get it back into shape.

The school year did not end like last year.

Last year, I was the first person out the door. I had nothing to do for several days (OK, that part was the same) and then I was off to places tropical and not. I was excited about my summer. This time, I don’t even get to leave. I’m not excited. I’m upset, in fact. I won’t be back in the Brodhead come autumn, and I miss it already.

The week off was great, I’ll admit. Stacy came back from España (yay!) and therefore I was able to eat out for almost every meal. I slept in every day in an attempt to make up on weeks of not sleeping enough. (That didn’t quite work.) I stayed up until 6 one morning in an attempt to catch up on six months of lost time. (That one went better.) And Bling and I had some bonding time.

The move up to Trembley — not so great. I’d never moved by myself before, and my little car is less than adequate at holding my belongings. It took three exhausting trips, the worst of which involved me almost giving up on keeping the television intact. I tend to give up on things. I had originally wanted the suite’s double room, you know, because I have a lot of things, but the super-lofted ceiling in one of the singles was too enticing. The windows must go 18 feet up, and there’s a gorgeous amount of light in the room in the late morning.

Even after I had three carloads of boxes in my temporary room, I had more tasks to accomplish. The first of these was lugging a recliner up the hill on a pushcart, which just about killed me. The second was rescuing Stacy’s TV from a supposedly locked Brodhead, but it was easier than expected because my ID card still worked. The third thing was to unpack/arrange boxes, which I am good at, and the fourth was to have a fun, relaxing night. I’m not sure how that went.

Hey, school is almost over.

I only have one final, for which I have not started studying, so it’s been smooth sailing so far. I almost feel guilty that I haven’t been doing anything and all of my hallmates are running frantically between the library and their exams. But that’s what they get for taking chemistry and electrical engineering classes.

I’ve not been doing nothing, actually. I picked up some extra hours at Jazzman’s — much as I detest the place of late — and then have been going in early on top of that. I’m hoping I’ll have enough money by May 17 to feel comfortable not working much this summer.

Oh yeah, this summer. Definitely not excited about it. The lady at the Lehigh Valley Magazine had forgotten about me when I called to set up my first day, and she was wishy-washy about what I’ll be doing and how many hours a week I’ll be doing it. I get a tear in my eye every time I think about The Vindicator. The internship is the only thing I’ve got going for me between now and the end of August, so I forsee much boredom.

I spearheaded a Brown and White dinner Wednesday, and I can say that spearing the head of a dinner is something I haven’t done before. It was a good time, though. I had been expecting disaster and disaster never came, so I was pleased.

But yeah, not much else to be pleased about.