I was walking through Target the other day and saw something ridiculous. I freaked out because no one else was going to get to see it, but then remembered that my new cellular telephone is also a camera (albeit a crude one):
Why are those CDs at TARGET!~?!?!@!?@!?
A long time ago, just after I moved to Jacksonville, I made a friend named Lizard Friend. You see, one morning I walked into my room after taking a shower, and there was a green object on the floor. After putting on my glasses, I determined that it was a lizard who obviously wanted to befriend me.
Unfortunately for him, I needed to put on some clothes. I asked him to give me some privacy, but he misunderstood and decided to hide in one of my shoes in the closet. We talked it over, though, and he eventually ran off under the oven, never to return.
OR SO I THOUGHT.
Weeks later, I walked into my living room to watch a football game and noticed a dark object on the window blinds. At first I was afraid it was a large spider, but a closer inspection revealed that it was just Lizard Friend hoping to catch some of the Jags game!
So I had a seat and a beer and assumed Lizard Friend would do the same.
BUT NO!
Lizard Friend was apparently crazy; he chose to run all over the walls, eventually stopping in a corner near the ceiling. And then, as I tried to coax him down, he jumped down onto my record player, a distance of about a quarter-mile when you convert for lizard distance.
Here is what I said: I said, “Lizard Friend, listen: Trying to see me naked is one thing, but jumping around on the furniture is not allowed in my apartment. Your time here is over!” I proceeded to capture Lizard Friend in a Tupperware container and took him outside. Though he resisted, I was able to dump him on the porch and shut the door before he could run back in. He didn’t take it well.
That was the last time I saw Lizard Friend. Now that it’s full-blown wintertime and the temperatures are dipping into the 40s, I’m afraid he’s dead. So, Lizard Friend, I’m sorry I probably contributed to your death, you crazy bastard. Tell Lomas I said hi.
Five weeks ago, I ordered a Sufjan Stevens 45 (for you kids, I mean a vinyl single) from some seller on Amazon.co.uk. The seller pretty much sucked at life and never sent me anything or responded to my e-mails, so a couple of days ago I told Amazon I needed a refund. Amazon came through and added £5.07 back to my checking account. Through the miracle of the U.S. dollar sucking almost as much as the seller, however, I spent $8.82 and received $8.96 — I made 14¢ on the deal!
I mean, that’s almost three cents a week! Wow!
According to the above art drawing I did of a house (and a garden with me in it!), I:
Wow, the Internet, what will you think of next?!