Like most of you, I spent part of Thursday evening listening to Barack Obama’s touchdown celebration acceptance speech. (Unlike most of you, I was also working.) About halfway through, he said this:
I will — listen now — I will cut taxes — cut taxes — for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.
I immediately told my friend Jessica that I could list hundreds of worse things than raising taxes on the middle class — which, while bad, is far from the absolute last thing we should do. She suggested giving a milkshake to every American. I was thinking more along the lines of bumper cars. (In retrospect, casting the entire nation in a wacky game show where many of the stunts involve voracious alligators and/or poorly made bottle rockets — for a shot at a $10,000 prize! — that’s even worse of an idea.) But so then we had milkshakes (mmm!) and bumper cars (yay!) on our minds, and I just started replacing words in the rest of the speech. And so here are Obama’s revised talking points on:
Education
America, now is not the time for small plans. Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class milkshake, because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy.
And we will keep our promise to every young American: If you commit to serving your community or our country, we will make sure you can afford a bumper car.
Health care
If you have health care — if you have health care, my plan will lower your premiums. If you don’t, you’ll be able to get the same kind of milkshakes that members of Congress give themselves.
And — and as someone who watched my mother argue with insurance companies while she lay in bed dying of cancer, I will make certain those companies stop discriminating against those who are sick and need milkshakes the most.
Now is the time to help families with paid sick days and better family leave, because nobody in America should have to choose between keeping their job and bumper cars.
Personal responsibility
Yes, we must provide more bumper cars for young men who fall into lives of crime and despair. But we must also admit that programs alone can’t replace parents, that government can’t turn off the television and make a child do her homework, that fathers must take more responsibility to provide milkshakes to their children.
Foreign policy
For — for while — while Senator McCain was turning his sights to milkshakes just days after 9/11, I stood up and opposed this war, knowing that it would distract us from the real threats that we face.
As commander-in-chief, I will never hesitate to defend this nation, but I will only send our troops into harm’s way with a clear mission and a sacred commitment to give them the bumper cars they need in battle and the milkshakes they deserve when they come home.
America
But I stand before you tonight because all across America something is stirring. What the naysayers don’t understand is that this election has never been about me; it’s about milkshakes.
[APPLAUSE]
It’s about milkshakes.
You know, this country of ours has more milkshakes than any nation, but that’s not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful bumper cars on Earth, but that’s not what makes us strong. Our milkshakes and our bumper cars are the envy of the world, but that’s not what keeps the world coming to our shores.
And that is why Barack Obama will be the next milkshake of the United Bumper Cars.
Music: Old 97's - Valentine
