Rock 'n' roll's resplendent rules
Instead of going to bed Sunday night, I decided it would be a good idea to stay up and watch “Family Guy” for a couple of hours. During one of the commercial breaks, I was introduced to the “Body-Groovz Handband,” some sort of new-fangled glove-like device that allows children to pretend they can effectively play guitar, keyboard and drums with the mere movement of their fingers, something guaranteed to give music teachers across the country a few sleepless nights.
Like a rabid sports fan vehemently arguing balls and strikes with a televised umpire, I was off the couch in a flash. Coolly as possible, I attempted to explain to the commercial that there was no way it could be trying to sell me a Handband, that no such product has ever deserved to see the light of day.
First off, I can’t stand to watch kids jump around and try to be cute, playful rock stars — they always come off as obnoxiously inept. It’s not a pretty sight. Children are annoying and not something I ever want to see on my television. Then there’s the matter of this, this thing being named a winner in FamilyFun Magazine’s “Toy of the Year” awards. I generally don’t put much stock into blatant advertising, but I can’t condone anything that will cause thousands of these sure-to-be-annoying toys to fly off the shelves.
Worst of all, this contraption pretty much tells kids it’s OK to play an air instrument, which is sure to spell disaster for concerts of the future.
Pretending to play an instrument not actually in one’s hands is the quintessential no-no for any concert-goer. It’s in that same circle of hell as starting up the wave at a baseball game or wearing those sorori-tastic sunglasses that appear to be all the rage on campus. Seriously, girls, those plastic wraparounds are hideous.
With this in mind, I figure it’s time to give a refresher course in what not to do at a rock show. It’s been done before and nearly driven into the ground, but obviously none of it has had an impact. The crowds at the shows I go to get worse every month. And don’t try to get off the hook by pointing the blame at “the kids these days;” we both know that you’re the one pretending to play a drum solo, but doing it in time with the rhythm guitarist. So here goes:
Do not under any circumstances wear a band’s T-shirt to one of their shows. I know this has been iterated countless times, but apparently no one is listening. It’s already apparent that you like the band in question — you paid to see them perform — but wearing one of their T-shirts makes you look like you belong with a clique of middle school girls who wear matching clothes. If you absolutely must wear a band shirt, be clever and wear something from the group that opened for your band two years ago. Of course, you can sometimes get away with buying a T-shirt at the show and putting it on over whatever you were wearing before, but that’s a bit iffy.
Do not go to a concert simply so you and your significant other can have a two-hour makeout session in public. It’s gross and the people around you do not want to watch, no matter how attractive you think you are. I was amazed at how many people paid $30 to break this rule at a recent Guster show. That $60 per couple would’ve been better spent on a Barry White album, Julia Roberts movie and box of wine — all the makings of a romantic night on the couch.
Do not go to a concert so you can do drugs in public. This is more disgusting than the sucking-face matter and, as much as I don’t like children, you probably should be setting a decent example for them, as I don’t want them doing the same thing in five years. Plus there’s a good chance you’ll be caught — security is pretty good at this sort of thing. If you really feel the need to toke up to some music, put on that Dave Matthews CD of yours and do it from the comfort of your room.
Do not go to a concert so you can stand at the back of the room and hate all of the bands. This does not make you look cool, regardless of what all the other scenesters are doing. If you desperately need the “scene cred,” get a job at a hole-in-the-wall record store and abuse your discount for me.
Do not talk during the opening band’s set. Sure, you only came for the headliner and this opener is not your cup of tea, but show some respect. Talking, especially on your cell phone, is a punchable offense.
Do not steal that crowd surfer’s shoes or try to grope him or her. I know crowd surfers are pond scum, but you being a jerk isn’t going to fix anything.
Do not crowd surf. People are going to pull on you or your clothes, or maybe just drop you on the ground. Likewise, do not mosh. No one paid to be blindsided by you.
Do not rush onto the stage after a show to grab the band’s belongings. I know you need the drummer’s water bottle to complete your collection, but ask one of those nice roadies to get it for you. Also, don’t try to get a head start on the memorabilia-grabbing by reaching for things as soon as the band stops playing. Do the right thing and applaud them off the stage, then start fighting over guitar picks and set lists.
And, finally, there’s the coup de grâce of concert mistakes. Please do not ever allow the phrase, “Play some Skynyrd” to escape your tongue and pass through your lips. The band does not appreciate it. The other people in the audience do not appreciate it. I do not appreciate it. It’s not funny. This is why everyone cringes and ignores you the first time, and then gives you the stinkeye when you shout it even more obnoxiously the second time. If you ever get the urge to request “Freebird,” slap yourself and then ask the band to play “It’s Raining Men.”
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